Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Neutralized
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX was previously stored in a standard large object containment room in Site-19. Testing days were scheduled by the Research Director to take place around busy sections of the year and near holidays as media created by SCP-XXXX was found to have a positive relationship with increased employee morale.
Description: SCP-XXXX is a machine resembling a typical consumer grade wood chipper, running on petroleum and featuring similar parts with the exception of the chipper disc, which is absent. The power switch has been replaced with three buttons, labelled "sequel", "prequel", and "remake". The machine is branded with a logo that displays "KinoKorp Sequel Machine" on all sides of of the device's feed chute.
SCP-XXXX's anomalous properties manifest when an object containing a piece of media is placed into the feed chute. The sound of the media being destroyed can be heard and a similar object will expel from the device's discharge spout. The output will contain content similar to the media sent into the machine, with elements varying depending on which "setting" was selected. Inserting multiple pieces of media will create the same amount of media, although the content may be effected by the other pieces of media inserted.
SCP-XXXX was acquired during a raid on a Marshall, Carter, and Dark shipping facility in Atlantic City, New Jersey on 05/04/201█. A shipping manifest recovered during the raid suggests that the object had been recently purchased by the Walt Disney Corporation.
Experiment Log:
Input: One copy of Dreams From my Father by Barack Obama, 2004 reprint.
Setting: Sequel
Output: Novel entitled Nightmares From my Father.
Contents: Barack Obama begins the story as a rich and powerful Chicago lawyer in the mid-1990s. After a series of haunting nightmares telling him to "seek the truth" in Kenya, Obama travels to the country to find his father's grave desecrated and experiences a poltergeist attack in his hotel. Obama discovers that his a ghost of his father's "greatest rival" Edgar Spectre has been attacking and possessing different Kenyan politicians in order to take control of the country. Obama teams up with a priest named Desmond Battlecross to put Spectre's soul to rest. After sneaking into Kenya's State House, the two manage to defeat the ghost before he can possess the President of Kenya, who thanks Obama and becomes a high profile client for his law firm.
Notes: While deviating greatly from the contents of the previous work and from the history of Barack Obama's life, the book was written in the same tone as the book used as input and the story is presented as non-fiction.
Input: Reefer Madness, 1936 film, DVD re-release
Setting: Remake
Output: DVD containing a film entitled Reefer Madness.
Contents: Set in 2011, the film follows Bill Harper, a college student at his freshman orientation. At the orientation, Harper tries cannabis for the first time and is quickly overcome with an addiction to the substance. The film shows him quickly spiraling out of control, failing all of his classes and unable to keep his dorm clean. With no source of income to continue supporting his drug habit, Bill turns to crime. Bill becomes the accomplice of his dealer, Ralph Wiley. Bill and Ralph commit a serious of dangerous but largely unconnected crimes, culminating in a bank robbery that ends with Bill, Ralph, and countless others dead.
Notes: The film borrows several elements from the original film but features a plot that seriously diverges from the narrative of the 1936 version. The main character is still named Bill Harper, although he is now a college student instead of attending high school.
Input: One USB stick containing all 62 episodes of Breaking Bad.
Setting: Sequel
Output: a USB containing 62 episodes of a show entitled Breaking Worse.
Contents: The show follows mostly new characters, inspired by the "legend" of Heisenberg and attempting to rediscover his recipe. There are small cameo appearances from characters from Breaking Bad, and the finale of the show ends with all the remaining main characters killed by Badger and Skinny Pete who are revealed to be the heads of a gang called the "Children of Pinkman" who serve as the primary antagonists of the final season.
Notes: Copies are available upon request.
Input: One Blu-Ray copy of Jaws, 1975 film and one copy of a love letter to a shark, written by Researcher Moffett.
Setting: Prequel
Output: One copy of Jaws: Love Bites and one letter written to Researcher Moffett, from an anonymous shark.
Contents: Jaws: Love Bites is nearly two hour film of a shark biologist named Amy Selachi who travels to Amity Island to study the shark population. While she is there, she meets several of the main characters of Jaws including Chief Martin Brody and Mayor Larry Vaughn. During her dives into the water, she befriends the shark seen in Jaws who shows a growing fondness for her. Repeatedly in the film, Amy is harassed and belittled at a beachfront bar called The Riptide by the owner named Finn Randal, an aging man who displays various misogynistic opinions. During the climatic scene of the movie Amy is punched by Finn, after which the shark comes ashore and fights against Finn for several minutes before killing and consuming him. The movie then cuts to a post-coital scene with Amy and the shark smoking in her bedroom.
The letter to Researcher Moffett is a
Notes: First test of multiple pieces of media.
Addendum:
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Item Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: In order to prevent the occurrence of an anomalous event, The Foundation is to have several agents embedded in the organization of the every Buffalo area sports team, agents within the NFL, agents within prominent Buffalo area businesses, as well as agents involved in the political systems of Erie, Niagara, Cattaraugus, Genesee, Wyoming, Orleans, Chautauqua, and Allegheny counties. All social media posts from residents of these counties are to be monitored for signs of an impending Genny-Weck event or Paula-Nova event.
Any and all measures must be taken to assure that the Buffalo Bills are prevented from achieving a victory in the Superbowl while still allowing the team to exist.
Description: SCP-XXXX is an anomalous phenomenon known to affect the Buffalo Bills and their associated fandom. This anomaly is connected to SCP-XXXX-A, currently the corpse of Bills founder and long time owner Ralph Wilson. Ralph Wilson's anomalous connection to the team has existed since its founding and it is currently believed to have persisted since his death.
Fans of the Buffalo Bills are found to become increasingly fanatical about the Buffalo area as well as its sports teams, culture, cuisine, and history when the teams perform well. Increases in fanaticism also correlate to a gradual increase in muscle mass, resistance to cold temperatures, resistance to amnesiacs, and a greatly increased alcohol tolerance. The process of this transformation follows a direct correlation to the performance of the Buffalo Bills during the annual National Football League season. This is a contagious memetic hazard, with those displaying high levels of fanaticism spreading the memetic hazard to friends, relatives, and associates.
SCP-XXXX’s danger lies in a hypothetical Genny-Weck event or Paula-Nova event occurring, causing a AK-class dominance shift scenario.
A Genny-Weck event would occur if the Buffalo Bills were to win the Superbowl, The resultant change would cause a major cultural shift in global culture, with the entire global population considering itself a part of a “Buffalo suburb” within 48 hours of the victory.
A Paula-Nova event would occur if the team ceased to exist, either by complete disestablishment or a move to another region. This would result in the entire Buffalo region becoming increasingly fanatical and enraged, ultimately leading to the creation of a military capable of conquering the cities of Boston, New York City, and Miami. After the capture of these cities, it is theorized that Buffalo fans will depose the governments of the United States and Canada. After taking control of these nations, pro-Buffalo propaganda will be broadcast worldwide and Buffalonian culture enforced by military action. Calculations estimate that the event would lead to a large scale nuclear war within two months of the onset of the event.
Since simply moving the team to another city or folding the franchise would trigger a Paula-Nova event, containment has been focused on preventing a Genny-Weck event. Containment has been complicated by the involvement of various member of the Chaos Insurgency, who have been attempting to aid the Bills, presumably in hopes to trigger a Genny-Weck event.
Below is an incomplete list of attempts by the Foundation to prevent a Genny-Weck event from occurring, often involving interference from several known members of the Chaos Insurgency. For a complete list, please contact Senior Researcher William Belichick.
Incident Report 1991-47: Due to multiple failures by Foundation personnel during the 1990 NFL Season, the Buffalo Bills participated in Super Bowl XXV. A special task force was assembled to prevent a Genny-Weck event from taking place. A field report by Agent Hostetler about the containment effort is attached below.
It was a close game. It was a scary one. I have to give all credit to the researcher from the Gravitational Anomalies Department for preventing an AK scenario today.
Incident Report 2000-22: Forward Lateral
Incident Report 2014-14: Terry Pegula buys Bills
Incident Report 2018-17: Josh Allen injury and Nathan Peterman
Addendum: On 11/17/2018, the Foundation received this letter of resignation from Foundation agent _ __, who was assigned to lead the SCP-XXXX containment efforts.
Ah screw it. You had to know this was coming eventually. It happened to every other lead agent out here for the past four decades.
I'm done.
Addendum: After receiving the above letter, the Foundation lost contact with all employees tasked in the containment of SCP-XXXX.
HI, DR. GARY MANDER-BASSEN HERE WITH SCP-XXXX. THIS IS THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO GIVE INFORMATION ON THE SUBJECT. SCP-XXXX IS STORED IN A STANDARD CONTAINMENT LOCKER IN SITE 19.
SCP-XXXX IS SAFE. YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT, THIS OBJECT IS COMPLETELY SAFE AND HAS BEEN CLASSIFIED AS SUCH BY THE FOUNDATION.
SCP-XXXX IS A BOTTLE SHAPED SIMILARLY TO THOSE USED TO STORE DETERGENT, WITH A DIAL ON THE SIDE THAT CAN BE ROTATED TO 12 DIFFERENT POINTS. THE POINTS DISPLAY PICTURES OF SEVERAL HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND ACTIVITIES FREQUENTLY ASSOCIATED WITH TRADITIONAL TASKS PERFORMED BY SUBURBAN, MIDDLE CLASS ADULTS. THE BOTTLE IS LABELED "MOM'S SECRET WEAPON! ALL IN ONE HOUSEKEEPER".
She was a different sort of girl than you saw on the West Coast. Not quite like the folk who came in from New York City, but not really far off from it either.
Raz, what a name too. I'm sure that's not the one her mother picked out for her either.
Of course, neither was mine. Sage is easier for people to say. Both my parents came to San Francisco because as bad as things were here in America, back home it was worse.
Senior Human Resources Manager. When the position was posted, most people thought it was a joke. Outside of psych evals and "community events" the Foundation doesn't really have any interconnective tissue between its employees. You work with your team and management chimes in when they need to. Nobody in my quiet little office had ever been referred to HR.
So obviously, I applied for the position. I didn't expect to get an interview. I was in disbelief when they told me I got the job.
Turns out the "human resources" is an intentional misnomer. The more accurate term for what I do would be "internal affairs".
When information leaks out to a third party, they send in a human resources officer to "assess the work place environment for signs of stress", never telling anyone that I'm actually there to find and eliminate the leader. When a Site might be compromised by a dangerous memetic hazard, I get pumped full of anti-memetics and I show up to either rehabilitate the employees or recommend them for liquidation.
I look like any other white collar employee in the Foundation, but to the wrong person I'm more dangerous than one of the more violent mobile task forces. I'm an invisible threat to anyone who puts the Foundation's goals at risk.
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Neutralized
Special Containment Procedures: After an SCP-XXXX-1 Incident on 05/17/20██, SCP-XXXX no longer displays any anomalous qualities and has been reclassified to Neutralized. Please see addendum for further information.
SCP-XXXX is to be contained in a standard containment room located in Site-80. SCP-XXXX requires weekly observation for growth, as well as a monthly trimming and cleaning by an authorized researcher. Any instances of SCP-XXXX-1 found during an observation should be immediately reported to the Site Director so that removal procedures can be arranged.
Several objects have been found to decrease the likelihood of SCP-XXXX-1 formation without harming the growth of SCP-XXXX. Use of these objects is recommended to further decrease the
possibility of an SCP-XXXX-1 Incident. The objects known to produce these effects are as follows:
- A yellow silk tie in a Van Wijt knot, affixed to SCP-XXXX, dry cleaned monthly
- A pair of full brimmed glasses, affixed to SCP-XXXX
- Business cards, shredded and mulched
- Wine, champagne, or bourbon used in lieu of water
- White chocolate mint scented candles, burnt within SCP-XXXX's containment room
- A poster for the 1985 film Out of Africa, visible within SCP-XXXX's containment room.
Dear funglasses,
I think I mentioned this in days past, and I'm sure you knew the day was coming.
I'm leaving the chat, and I'm not coming back.
You've eased me through some of my problems with other users in the past but they keep happening with more frequency and I'm tired of being treated like I'm some sort of backwards troglodyte. I've always been self-critical. A lot of people see that as a problem with self-doubt and self-esteem. Others have used it to insinuate that I have ulterior motives and that my genuine concern is anything but genuine. I believe that I'm preventing myself from becoming the kind of person I swore I'd never become.
I know this probably seems really sudden to you, I haven't had any arguments with anyone there in months. I mostly just ignored people that I knew were going to bother me, talked mostly to the people I got along with just focusing on whatever little project they were working on. We'd bounce ideas off of each other for little gag items we could create. No matter what, someone would burst in and all the attention would fall on them. Worked up in a tizzy about something that they need to resolve NOW and getting other people worked up until the whole chat was focused on whatever just made them angry.
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be contained in a standard secure locker approved for the safe containment of anomalous literature. SCP-XXXX should remain in a protective plastic comic book bag when not used for testing.
Description: SCP-XXXX is a comic book made from 84 sheets of standard white printer paper and written with pencil and illustrated with crayons. The comic, entitled "The Flash is Fucking Bullshit and I Hate Him" is credited to an author named ███████ ██████ who remains unknown to The Foundation. Readers of the comic in all cases have developed extreme anomalous effects, including an altered perception of time and increased running speed for short periods of time. Many of these powers are noted to be variations of powers held by the fictional character The Flash, owned by DC Comics.
SCP-XXXX was discovered in an ancient Mayan temple, buried with a well known and respected jmen who died in 426 C.E.
Item #: SCP-XXXX
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be contained in the oversize safe object locker in Site 19. Object testing must be approved by a Level 3 or higher staff member.
Description: SCP-XXXX is a standard TSHIRTGUN "Bleacher Reacher Pro" t-shirt launcher, capable of firing a folded t-shirt up to 91.44 meters. SCP-XXXX is unremarkable in design and looks no different thn any other t-shirt launcher of its make and model. SCP-XXXX's anomalous effect manifests when a blank white t-shirt is place in SCP-XXXX and fired. When the trigger is pulled by the user, a new t-shirt will be created, containing a reference to a piece of popular media the subject is familiar with. Each t-shirt has an anomalous effect related to the content of the shirt. When fired, the t-shirt launcher emits audio from the 2012 film “The Avengers”, specifically Chris Evans (as Captain America) saying “I understood that reference.”
Item #: SCP-8008135-J
Object Class: Euclid Keter Apollyon
Special Containment Procedures: There is currently no known method to successfully reverse the anomalous effects of SCP-8008135-J. How SCP-8008135-J infects it targets is still unknown. Any business, governments, or other entities found to be infested by SCP-8008135-J must be infiltrated to ensure that the infection does not spread and for immediate research into the nature of SCP-8008135-J. There is currently no known method to successfully reverse the anomalous effects of SCP-8008135-J
Description: SCP-8008135-J is a seemingly anomalous program preventing access of "workplace inappropriate" websites. SCP-8008135-J will prevent users from connecting to any site hosting pornography. In some instances, SCP-8008135-J has been known to block gambling and gaming sites as well.
Through some unknown means, SCP-8008135-J is able to spread itself across multiple networks, the majority of which are owned by businesses, non-profit organizations, or government offices. SCP-8008135-J seems to be irreversible, as no current infection as been successfully removed.
All Foundation sites are currently infected by SCP-8008135-J in what is presumed to be an attack by an agent of a Group of Interest looking to hinder Foundation morale. Any and all methods deemed necessary to reverse the effects of SCP-8008135-J must be considered.
