Loaf 4 - Collab Edition
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I’ll put something here

Item #: SCP-XXXX

Object Class: Euclid

Special Containment Procedures: Implanted agents withing the Food Network broadcasting house are to intercept and remove potential episodes of SCP-XXXX before transmission, including non-anomalous episodes of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives until review by Level-3 personnel has confirmed the absence of SCP-XXXX. All broadcasts are to be viewed and transcribed before being stored. Archived episodes of SCP-XXXX are avalibe upon request.

Investigation into the locations featured in SCP-XXXX and the identity of SCP-XXXX-1 are currently underway. Guy Fieri is to be monitored for any anomalous activity relating to SCP-XXXX or SCP-XXXX-1.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a television program that is broadcast on the Food Network in the US. The content and style of the show appears to be mimic that if the show Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, a show also broadcast on the Food Network. The show follows an individual physically resembling television actor Guy Fieri (henceforth referred to as SCP-XXXX-1) as they travel to various locations in the search of food. Episodes of the show will usually follow a theme, with all of the food shown in the episode relating to its central theme. Episodes of SCP-XXXX will occasionally replace non-anomalous broadcasts of the show, making identification difficult until the first location is visited.

The locations and food featured in the program are anomalous, with most cuisine being highly dangerous for a human to consume. Despite this, SCP-XXXX-1 has shown no ill effects from the food consumed, having displayed the ability to survive injuries that would often prove fatal. Although several episodes appear to be filmed in public establishments, no civilians featured in the show have ever been identified.

The following is a partial list of SCP-XXXX episodes. Selected transcripts have been included alongside episode descriptions for the purpose of psychological review of SCP-XXXX-1.


Still image from SCP-XXXX.

Episode #: Season 45, Episode 15

Episode Title: Home Style Bites


(SCP-XXXX-1 is seen standing what appears to be the entrance hallway to a house. There are no lights on within the house. The footage is presented in green tint, suggesting the use of night vision recording equipment. Throughout the entire segment, SCP-XXXX-1 speaks in a whispered voice.)

SCP-XXXX-1: We’re here in the Thompson house down in sunny Arizona. Earlier tonight, Mrs. Thompson made an absolutely bangin’ beef stroganoff. I’m here to find out how fantastic this beef beauty really is.

(SCP-XXXX-1 begins walking down the hallway while the camera follows close behind. The shot then changes to SCP-XXXX-1 opening a fridge within what is presumed to be the house’s kitchen. SCP-XXXX-1 is moving things within the fridge.)

SCP-XXXX-1: Oh yeah, come to papa.

(SCP-XXXX-1 pulls a glass container out of the fridge. Within the container is a small portion of a brown substance, presumable beef stroganoff. SCP-XXXX-1 opens the container, reaches into the substance, and places a handful in its mouth.)

SCP-XXXX-1: Oh mama…

(SCP-XXXX-1 begins shoveling large amounts of the food into its mouth.)

SCP-XXXX-1: That’s money. That’s money right there.

(A loud crash is heard above the kitchen. Both SCP-XXXX-1 and the camera look upwards as a loud shriek is heard along with multiple crashes.)

SCP-XXXX-1: I just love how the sour cream and the noodle just mesh together so well. It’s almost like an entirely new entree that just perfectly compliments the beef. It just sends you right into flavor central. Anyways, we should probably start moving on to the next resuraunt. I’ll see you on the next episode of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives!

(SCP-XXXX-1 runs over to a window and opens it with the camera following close behind. SCP-XXXX-1 climbs out of the window, although this is hindered by the glass container still held in its hands. The camera begins out the window, then turns towards the interior of the house. A large yellow humanoid physically resembling a praying mantis begins moving towards the camera while shrieking. The camera then quickly exits the house, with the rest of the footage consisting of a black screen. In the background, sounds of SCP-XXXX-1 eating are heard, interspersed with various statements as to the considerable quality of the food.)


Episode #: Season 37, Episode 5

Episode Title: Blast from the Past


(SCP-XXXX-1 is seen leaning against the bar of a diner. Behind the bar, a large humanoid resembling a rhinoceros beetle is seen cleaning dishes in a sink.)

SCP-XXXX-1: It’s being a dog eat dog world out there, but what about a bug eat bug world? Jeremy Chilopoda has flipped that expression right on its head when he opened Jeremy’s Jubilee Junction.

(Footage is shown of the outside of the diner with SCP-XXXX-1 speaking over it. The resuraunt appears to be an 80’s styled diner located next to several other businesses. A sign on the diner reads “Jeremy’s Jubilee Junction” in stylized lettering. A large humanoid resembling an unknown species of ant is seen walking past the establishment.)

SCP-XXXX-1: A classic 80’s diner modernized with all of your favorite foods. With an off the hook breakfast menu and the smell of sizzlin’ bacon in the air, this is one place you don’t want to pass up.

(The camera returns to within the diner. SCP-XXXX-1 is standing next to a large humanoid resembling an amazonian giant centipede. The entity is wearing an apron down its front that reads “Crisp the Cook.” Behind the pair are several cooking appliances.)

SCP-XXXX-1: So what’s on the menu today Jeremy?

Jeremy: I’ve decided to start you off with one of our most requested dishes, the Pistolet Pulled Pork Sandwich.

(SCP-XXXX-1 looks at the camera in apparent shock.)

(Jeremy begins mixing an unknown white liquid in a bowl using one of its many legs. It then adds a small amount of an unknown gray powder to the substance and continues stirring. While this is happening, SCP-XXXX-1 proceeds to haphazardly grab objects from the counter and consume them. These objects include a salt shaker, a butter knife, an unknown red powder, and and a pair of sunglasses.)

Jeremy: The dish is actually a delicacy where I’m from. My mother would make it after it would snow, so me and my brother had a nice warm meal to come in to after playing around outside.

(Jeremy adds an unknown metallic device to the mixture. It looks similar in appearance to a broken circuit board. The entity then places the mixture into an oven behind it, setting the timer for 12 minutes. Once the timer reaches 11:23, the display begins to flash with the word “EGG” repeatedly)

SCP-XXXX-1: So tell me a bit about your resturaunt. How did you decide to go with the whole diner theme?

Jeremy: Well, when I was a kid my dad worked at a diner similar to this one. I gave some great memories of going in after getting out of school and having a shake while doing my homework. When the diner fell out of style, my dad eventually started looking to sell the diner. I didn’t want the diner to disappear, so I bought it from him. He tried to give it to me greatly free, but I wouldn’t let him. I modernized it without losing that classic diner feel. I’ve been running this for about 24 years now, and the diner has gone through multiple iterations, but we’ve always tried to keep it’s classic feeling.

(The timer on the oven goes off. Jeremy opens the oven and removes the bowl. It then reaches into the bowl and produces a Glock 19 handgun. No traces of the substance that was previously in the bowl are visible.)

Jeremy: And here we go. Our best seller. Take a bite, and tell me what you think.

(SCP-XXXX-1 proceeds to take the handgun from Jeremy. It then places the barrel of the gun within its mouth and fires. A gunshot is heard as a large amount of blood is sprayed from the back of SCP-XXXX-1’s head. SCP-XXXX-1 takes the gun out of its mouth.)

SCP-XXXX-1: Oh man. That’s absolutely bangin’.

Jeremy: I knew you’d like it.

(SCP-XXXX-1 places the gun within its mouth and bites down. A portion of the barrel breaks off and is swallowed by SCP-XXXXX-1. Blood begins leaking from the sides of SCP-XXXX-1’s mouth.)

SCP-XXXX-1: This is an absolutely killer dish Jeremy. The mix of the gunpowder, the crunch of the polymer, you’ve got it all here.

(SCP-XXXX-1 proceeds to consume the remaining portions of the firearm. A heavy amount of blood begins pouring from SCP-XXXX-1’s mouth.)

SCP-XXXX-1: I have to say Jeremy, this is one of the best meals I’ve had in a while. I could put this on a flip flop and it would taste good. Thanks for inviting me here man.

(SCP-XXXX-1 and Jeremy shake hands, with Jeremy using one of its many legs as a hand.)

SCP-XXXX-1: (Adresses the camera) That’s all the time we have here today. Tune in for the next episode of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives!

(The screen fades out as the show’s jingle plays)


Guy Fieri Lines For Later Use

  • Off the hook
  • Oh mama
  • Come to papa
  • That’s bangin’
  • I wanna be the ambassador to chimichanga flavor town
  • -ilicious
  • Generally asking people about the dish while they are making it
  • While this happens, Guy just eats stuff he isn’t supposed to
  • It really works
  • That’s no joke
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