Loaf 4 - Collab Edition
rating: 0+x
Item#: XXXX
Containment Class:
Secondary Class:
Disruption Class:
Risk Class:



Special Containment Procedures: Agents implanted within the Food Network broadcasting house are to intercept and remove potential episodes of SCP-XXXX prior to transmission, including non-anomalous episodes of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. Broadcasts are to only be released following a review by two Level-3 personnel to confirm the absence of SCP-XXXX. Episodes of SCP-XXXX are to be viewed and transcribed prior to being stored in a standard USB drive cleared as secure for low-threat anomalous media. Archived episodes are kept within a small item storage locker and are avalible upon request.

Investigation into the locations featured in SCP-XXXX and the identity of SCP-XXXX-1 are currently underway. PoI-8410 is to be monitored for any anomalous activity relating to SCP-XXXX.

Description: SCP-XXXX is a television program that is intermittently broadcast on the Food Network the United States. The content and style of the show appears to be mimic that of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives, a show also broadcast on the Food Network. SCP-XXXX follows SCP-XXXX-1, an individual physically resembling chef and television actor Guy Fieri1 as they travel to various locations in search of food. Each episode will follow a unifying theme, corresponding with the restaurants featured in the broadcast. Episodes of SCP-XXXX vary in length, and can range from several minutes to four days. Episodes of SCP-XXXX will occasionally replace non-anomalous broadcasts of the show, making identification difficult until the first location is visited.

During broadcasts, restaurants and food featured by SCP-XXXX have displayed prominent anomalous effects. Displayed cuisine is often highly dangerous for human consumption, although SCP-XXXX-1 has shown no ill effects from the consumption of anomalous foodstuffs, having displayed the ability to ignore large amounts of physical trauma. Despite being filmed in a public location, no individual who has appeared in SCP-XXXX has been located. PoI-8410 has displayed confusion regarding the anomalous broadcast during interviews, expressing concern over SCP-XXXX-1.

The following is a partial list of archived SCP-XXXX episodes. Selected transcripts have been included alongside episode descriptions for the purpose of developing a psychological profile of SCP-XXXX-1.


Still image from SCP-XXXX.

Episode #: Season 45, Episode 15

Episode Title: Home Style Bites


(SCP-XXXX-1 is seen slowly walking towards a suburban house. No lights are visible within the house. The footage is presented in monochrome, suggesting the use of night vision recording equipment. Throughout the entire segment, SCP-XXXX speaks in a low tone.)

SCP-XXXX-1: We're here at the Thompson house down in the small town of Benson, Arizona. Earlier tonight, in 2005, Mrs. Thompson made some of the most absolutely bangin' beef stroganoff. While they might not be around to eat it, I'm here today to find out how fantastic this beef beauty really turned out to be.

(SCP-XXXX-1 approaches a window at the first floor of the building. SCP-XXXX-1 slowly opens the window, entering the house. The camera operator enters behind it, revealing a long hallway without a visible end. SCP-XXXX-1 walks down the hallway without speaking for several minutes, occasionally letting out audible sniffs. As they approach an ornate wooden door, SCP-XXXX-1 holds out its hand towards the camera, stopping before the door. SCP-XXXX-1 then softly knocks on the door several times before throwing its body into the door, forcing it open.)

(The door reveals the interior of a severely damaged kitchen, with the room showing signs of fire damage. Four charred humanoid corpses are seated around the center table. SCP-XXXX-1 approaches the remains of the refrigerator and opens it, revealing a seemingly untouched interior. The camera operator remains in the hallway. Sitting inside of the refrigerator is a metal pot of what is presumably beef stroganoff.)

SCP-XXXX-1: Oh yea, that's the stuff. Still warm too.

(SCP-XXXX-1 places the pot on the charred countertop, reaching its hand into the container. The entity scoops up a mass of brown substance that it proceeds to eat.)

SCP-XXXX-1: Oh mama. That's money, that's money right there.

(SCP-XXXX-1 begins consuming large amounts of the food. As the entity eats, the oven begins to catch fire, quickly engulfing the room. SCP-XXXX-1 doesn't acknowledge the flames, even when it too becomes engulfed in fire. Notably, the fire does not affect the exterior of the room, with the doorway remaining unaffected.)

(The interior of the room soon completely obscured by flames. SCP-XXXX-1 attempts to speak, but is nearly inaudible over the surrounding fire.)

SCP-XXXX-1: Well, t… od. Tune i… t time f… ive-In's, a… ves!

(The shot slowly fades to black as the show's jingle plays.)


Episode #: Season 37, Episode 5

Episode Title: Blast from the Past


(SCP-XXXX-1 is seen leaning against a bar counter. The surrounding restaurant appears to be styled after a 1960s era diner. Behind the bar, a large amorphous mass of green substance is visible cleaning a glass cup with a towel.)

SCP-XXXX-1: It’s being a dog eat dog world out there, but what about a bug eat bug world? Jeremy Chilopoda flipped that expression right on its head when he opened Jeremy’s Jubilee Junction.

(Footage is shown of the exterior of the establishment. The building appears to be suspended in a featureless void. A sign affixed to the diner reads “Jeremy’s Jubilee Junction” in stylized lettering. The door to the establishment is visible briefly opening and closing autonomously.)

SCP-XXXX-1: A classic 60’s diner modernized with all of your favorite foods. With an off the hook breakfast menu and the smell of sizzlin’ bacon in the air, this is one place you don’t want to pass up.

(The camera returns to within the diner. SCP-XXXX-1 is standing within an industrial kitchen next to a large entity resembling an amazonian giant centipede with human arms in place of legs. The entity is wearing an apron down its front that reads “Crisp the Cook.”)

SCP-XXXX-1: So what’s on the menu today Jeremy?

Jeremy: I’ve decided to start you off with one of our most requested dishes, the Pistolet Pulled Pork Sandwich.

(SCP-XXXX-1 looks at the camera in apparent surprise.)

(Jeremy pours a gray liquid into a metal pot and begins to stir the liquid using one of its many arms. The entity then adds several whole egg to the mixture, countuning to stir. SCP-XXXX-1 is seen occasionally grabbing nearby objects and consuming them to various levels of success. These objects include a salt shaker, an unusually long unpeeled carrot, a deceased Rattus norvegicus, and a commercial toaster.)

Jeremy: The dish is actually a delicacy where I’m from. My mother would make it after it would snow, so me and my brother had a nice warm meal to come in to after playing around outside. Sometimes, if the acid burns were too bad, she'd add in a little antiseptic to help cool us down.

(Jeremy adds an unknown electronic device to the mixture before violently stirring it. The mixture is then placed into a nearby stovetop oven, setting the oven's timer to 12 seconds. Once the timer reaches 11:23, the display begins to flash the word "WRONG" repeatedly.)

(Jeremy adds an unknown metallic device to the mixture. It looks similar in appearance to a broken circuit board. The entity then places the mixture into an oven behind it, setting the timer for 12 minutes. Once the timer reaches 11:23, the display begins to flash with the word “EGG” repeatedly)

SCP-XXXX-1: So tell me a bit about your restaurant. How did you decide to go with the whole diner theme?

Jeremy: Well, when I was a kid my dad worked at a diner similar to this one. I gave some great memories of going in after getting out of school and having a shake while doing my homework. When the diner fell out of style, my dad eventually started looking to sell the diner. I didn’t want the diner to disappear, so I bought it from him. Heh, he tried to give it to me for free, but I wouldn't let him. I've been running it for about 24 rotations now, and the diner has always changed a bit to keep up with the times, but we’ve always tried to keep it’s classic feeling.

(The sound of a person screaming is heard. Jeremy opens the over and retrieves the bowl, turning its contents onto a countertop. From the bowl falls a Glock 19 handgun.)

Jeremy: And there you have it. Our best seller. Take a bite, and tell me what you think.

(SCP-XXXX-1 picks up the handgun. It places the barrel of the firearm into is mouth and bites down. A loud crunch is heard as a portion of the barrel breaks off in its mouth. SCP-XXXX-1 closes its eyes. A small amount of blood leaks from SCP-XXXX-1's mouth.)

SCP-XXXX-1: Oh man. That’s absolutely bangin’.

Jeremy: I knew you’d like it.

(SCP-XXXX-1 takes another bite of the firearm. Shards of the gun are visible piercing SCP-XXXX-1's cheeks a heavy amount blood begins to pour from its mouth. SCP-XXXX-1 then takes a bullet from the interior of the firearm and places it between its back molars. A loud crunch is heard before the entity opens its mouth, revealing several shattered teeth. Blood now covers the countertop and SCP-XXXX-1's clothing.)

SCP-XXXX-1: This is an absolutely killer dish Jeremy. The mix of the gunpowder, the crunch of the polymer, even the subtle hit of brass, it all just works.

(SCP-XXXX-1 proceeds to consume the remaining portions of the firearm. SCP-XXXX-1's Mouth is now severely lacerated, exposing its mouth. Loud cracking is heard as the entity%'s remaining teeth are destroyed.)

SCP-XXXX-1: I have to say Jeremy, this is one of the best meals I’ve had in a while. I could put this on a flip flop and it would taste good. Thanks for inviting me here man.

(SCP-XXXX-1 and Jeremy shake hands, with Jeremy using its uppermost set of arms. Both hands are now covered in SCP-XXXX-1's blood.)

SCP-XXXX-1: (Adresses the camera) That’s all the time we have here today. Tune in for the next episode of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives!

(The camera begins to back away from SCP-XXXX-1 as the show's jingle plays. He final note of the jingle continues as the the shot countinues out of the diner's front entrance and into the featureless black space. The shot continues for 13 minutes and 47 seconds when the diner is no longer visible, upon which the episode abruptly ends.)

The screen fades out as the show’s jingle plays//)


Episode #: Season 51, Episode 2

Episode Title: All-American Eats



Guy Fieri Lines For Later Use

  • Off the hook
  • Oh mama
  • Come to papa
  • That’s bangin’
  • I wanna be the ambassador to chimichanga flavor town
  • -ilicious
  • Generally asking people about the dish while they are making it
  • While this happens, Guy just eats stuff he isn’t supposed to
  • It really works
  • That’s no joke
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